I’ve just got back from the most perfect few days away for my boyfriends birthday with him and some friends. 4 gorgeous days in the Lake district, which if you don’t know where that is looks a little like this
To say it was magical and the happiest few days of my life is a huge understatement. For the majority of the time I was there I didn’t feel any anxiety or depressive symptoms – the first time in months. The change in scenery alone would have done me wonders but with this emotional relief as well….it felt incredible. I never wanted to leave
Thursday night I had a bad panic attack just before we made the journey home. Since then I’ve not been able to shake off horrid feelings of constant anxiety and really low dark thoughts. It’s out of the blue, unexplainable and Im really struggling to keep it under control. The stark contrast in going from the best moments of my life to feeling so lost, helpless and hopeless; it’s brutal and it’s hit me hard.
Now I’m away from a place that has been paradise for the past few days I’m back to reality. I honestly was hoping and believed the trip away would be a welcome breath of fresh air and I’d come back revitalised, motivated and ready to take on the challenges ahead but it couldn’t be further from the truth and its tearing me apart.
Tomorrow is 1st March. I’ll have been out of work exactly three months. I’ve been applying for jobs nearly every single day of those three months. Easily sent my cv to over 150 people for all sorts of work. How many have I heard back from with a positive outcome? Just 1. 1 I’m being interviewed for next week and I already know I’m not what they’re looking for. Disheartening doesn’t even come close. Every single application I get rejected from or just don’t hear back from is a knock in my confidence and my belief I can get out of this situation and move on with my life.
Add to that my cbt has been far from regular so I’m not regain strength in my state of mind as quickly as I’d have wanted. Also my medication has quadrupled in the 6 weeks I’ve been taking it, with the latest new dosage completely wiping me out of energy motivation, destroying sleep patterns, giving me really bad chest and stomach pains and I honestly think it’s making me worse. My docs said if these tablets don’t suit they won’t give me any more meds because I’ve tried so many in such a short time.
So. With no job, no money, little support network, little help with docs and meds not working the question is what am I supposed to do?
The only part of my life that makes me happy and gives me hope for the future is my wonderful relationship, but with all of the above going on its tough to not let the bad stuff infect that too. My relationship is the only thing keeping me going right now, the only thing I’ve got to keep fighting for.
I’m not planning on giving in or taking matters into my own hands, despite the thoughts running through my head.
I am really struggling to see any light at the end of the tunnel though; I’m not even sure which direction I’m going in any more.
I’m struggling and I need help.