Balance and focus

Since starting my new job 4 weeks ago, I’ve done nothing but focus on work.  I’ve not left myself with any time to reflect on the changes I’m going through, to keep up with the positive changes I’d made to my lifestyle or to have any fun

My jobs over the past year have been mainly office based and normal working hours so havent been very demanding. Now I’m in a job that I love and back where I belong in the hustle and bustle of a fine dining restaurant but the challenge of going back to lobg, irregular hours and the physical demands on my body are definitely harder to get used to than I imagined. That teamed with no time for meditation, no proper meals – certainly no healthy eating, too exhausted to exercise, not much down time to myself, as well as messed up hormones and now seemingly ineffective medication has caused a bit of a meltdown. Additionally to all of the above, my anxiety is currently off the scale because I’m terrified of anythibg negative happening with my job and ending up unemployed again and I’m also desperate to get my own space out of my parents house, make some new friends and get back to having a social life.

I’m stubborn and love my job and the opportunities that Its giving me so it’s Down to me to reevaluate the rest of my life and focus on getting the balance back in the favour of keeping my head on the right side of the tracks.

After several failed attempts with medication and an overwhelming concern for trying any new medication now I’ve started a new job, I’ve made the decision to come off medication completely. Instead I’m going to swap the pills I can barely pronounce for herbal supplements like omega and st John’s wort and I’m hoping these will keep my head on a level playing field.

I’m also looking into paid counselling instead of the poor services received through the NHS which so far have proved more damaging than helpful. I’m also asking my parents if they’ll help me fund a course of acupuncture for my birthday.

As well as this Ive got a new wave of motivation for looking after myself during my time out of work – eating healthier, drinking a lot more water, getting proper sleep, exercise, meditation and treating myself to doing something fun on my days off – all things I seem to have neglected over the last few weeks.

I am so proud of myself and so happy not only to be back in a job but doing one I genuinely love and have a passion for. But I also need to remember life isn’t just about work and in order to keep doing this fabulous job I love I need to make sure I take care of myself and not let my health jeopardise things

J x

Me, my hormones and i

Just a warning. Some may find some of this blog post contains a little too much information, but my blog is a warts and all account of my depression so that’s what you’ve got…

Girls don’t have it easy when it comes to hormones. If it’s not puberty, it’s PMS, if it’s not that it’s pregnancy or menopause. Our bodies are always going through changes out of our control and it’s generally never pretty. But when you throw depression into the mix too…it can turn even nastier, in some cases almost lethal

PMDD is like PMS but with the crazies turned up x1000000.  Many years ago I asked the doctors to put me on the mini pill, a pill you don’t have the delightful week break with to combat the slight feelings of depression I felt at a certain time of the month. Over the course of the years my depression has worsened and it was from last March I was diagnosed and actively treated for it. October last year when I changed doctors I was advised the mini pill isnt good for someone with depressive symptoms and I should move onto the combined pill again.

It took a while for my body to get used to these new contraceptives and for anything to actually happen in my week break. When it did settle down, I’ve noticed my depression is Only prevalent and at its worst when I have my week break. It seems to get worse every month and over this past month despite not missing any pills I’ve bled 3 times throughout this packet and each time I’ve lost my head in a massive whirlwind of hormones an emotion.

It’s not just the normal girly moodiness and over sensitivity. I’ll go from being a bit low to something small and menial upsetting me and this then triggers a chain of irrational and ridiculous presumptions ending up in hysterics not wanting to continue my own life. This whole sequence will escalate within a mere matter of hours. It terrifies me each and every time and leaves me feeling empty of confidence and trust in my own body.

It’s as if my head puts two and two together and gets eleven and at the same time finds so vague tedious similarity to the current situation and something horrid that happened to me years ago and I’ll expect the worst to happen again

I can’t handle all of the constant swings and it’s exhausting having my head go so out of control so unexpectedly on a nearly weekly basis at the moment. Today I’ve cried 5 times for completely stupid things – missing the gym, people calling me chasing bills to be paid, insecurities about a tweet, no hot water for a bath and no money to do anything for the rest of the month. Yeah they’re a bit annoying but no reason to get upset, cry and mull over ruining the rest of the day.

It’s getting so bad I have constant anxiety in fear of when it’ll happen again and how far I’ll take things, what damage I’ll do to myself and to others in my life. To make matters worse, I’ve been unable to get an appointment at my doctors for advise on the issue.

Feeling so hopeless and link everything is out of my control. It’s killing my confidence, self esteem and my insecurities about everything are sky high.

If I can’t trust my own body and mind, what can I trust!?

J x