Trust

Given everything that’s gone on the last 6 months; with a select few people having nearly destroyed things for me, it’s a wonder I’m still so trusting of others. The attack in November, the crappy job in March and now my current housemate of just three weeks has given me days to find somewhere else to live so his brother can move in. All pretty shit things to happen, especially in succession, all triggered by just one key twisted invidual in each case. For most people this would probably have a significant impact on social situations, meeting new people, letting others get close and ultimately trust.  If anything I’ve found with me it’s all made me more determined to not let it change me, my current relationships with people in my life and any future ones. If anything I’m being more sociable and putting myself in new situations I probably would have shied away from before. Such as hunting for a new room to rent in a bit of hurried situation I’m having to not be too choosey, at least for the moment until I’ve saved up enough to get my own place. As such I’m going to strangers houses, looking round and now I’ve signed a contract to live with 5 others. All complete strangers.

This situation is something I would have previously thought to be a nightmare but given its an all girl house and there’s a really lovely community/social family vibe to the place I think it could be really good for me. And if it doesn’t work out Im not tied into anything I can’t get out of and I won’t have lost any agency fees etc with it all being privately rented. To tell the truth I’m actually quite excited.

The thing I am having trouble trusting is something far more serious; myself. Back in October when I left my job on the wirral for the lake district, I made that as a fully informed adult decision taking into account the benefits it would have on my health, career and get my finances sorted for good; big long-term grown-up plans. And look how that turned out. Following on from that I turned down 4 other jobs in favour of what looked like the best option, also taking a flat to give myself the best possible opportunity at this job in the knowledge I’d be able to get a good night’s sleep for work and have the time to look for a less expensive living situation. And again, look how both of those things have turned out. Each big decision I’ve had to make, I’ve been very un-jen about and given proper thought to, pros and cons lists, and not rushed in with rose tinted glasses on like I normally do. To tell the truth it’s left me feeling pretty fed up. I’ve been really low all week. With big decisions to make about my future and trying to move on from everything it’s proving very difficult to listen to my heart and my gut instincts any more. I seem to have a damaged trust and I’m unsure of what to believe in my own head.

All I want more than anything is to be settled and things to not be a constant ream of drama, stress and upheaval. I think until I’ve made some good decisions and feeling like my life is back on the right track, I’m not going to be able to trust myself, feeling pretty anxious and uncomfortable. Bit of a catch 22. I can’t trust myself to make good decisions but until I make one I won’t trust myself. It’s not a nice feeling not being able to trust yourself. Horrid doubt and overthinking getting in the way of strong judgement.

Here’s hoping something works out soon before I drive myself insane

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