Sticking point

I was hoping to return from my week away with the family in Austria feeling full of life, ready to draw a line under the last 7 months and start a new positive chapter.  Really, I would love to be writing a piece gloating about how a change of routine & perspective is just what was needed “a step backwards to move forward” and all that kind of optimistic shit. In reality, this has not been the case.  Don’t get me wrong the holiday was perfect; a change of scenery and spending time with the amazing people who have stood by my side through everything was incredible – just what was needed.

Unfortunately for whatever reason, a midweek bout of anxiety stuck for the remainder of the week. This only got worse as the week went on and I came home. Now over a week on its not shifted. If anything it’s worsened. Post holiday blues are common and I’m fully aware of them but this is something bigger. After such a turbulent few years, each time I’ve needed to reboot I move home, perfectly normal and common. Unfortunately my reboots are all made necessary by something crap happening and I think my brain is now linking bad thoughts with home – something I can’t really do anything about, it’s my home, where I’ve lived all my life. Ultimately frustrating but something I’m sure will lift once things start getting better

Soon after returning from the alps on holiday, (a holiday completely funded for me by my wonderful family) I was to learn a job I’d had for a mere 2 days prior to leaving for the departure lounge, was in fact no more. “restructure”. Fairly sure they should have done that before employing me but such is life and its not their fault. Just another tally to add to the string of thoughtless employers I’ve had. As such I’m back on that relentless treadmill to nowhere that is unemployment and job hunting. Proper knee in the lady balls!!

I’m really really doing my best to remain positive. I’ve started counselling. I’ve got amazing people around me. I’m applying for more jobs than I don’t know what. There’s just two major sticking points I’m really struggling to get my head round and with all my might, can’t move on from

1) the snow ball of consequences that have happened as a result that are still going on and out of my control. Jobs, finances, debt management, consideration of going back on medication, not sleeping, ultra emotionally sensitive, constantly on edge, feeling very emotionally vulnerable, numb, constant frustration, moods either reserved and silent or manic hyper. I can’t seem to get away from any of this; and it’s not through lack of trying either, far from it! I really am trying anything and everything. At the moment, anything I do that requires leaving the house is a luxury. I’m so skint I can’t even buy myself a coffee with a friend, or drive to the next town to see someone so I don’t frivolously waste petrol, not knowing where my next money is coming from. Id give anything for a hair cut to boost my confidence (and look a little less like Kate Bush) or a gym class to take out all of my built up frustration. I’ve suffered enough; it shouldn’t still be like this.

2) despite all of the evidence and facts supporting my case, that it did happen how I said and it wasn’t consensual, it wasnt enough to prosecute him. He’s walking free and I’m suffering with all of the above and more. If it was consensual and I was in full control and full understanding of the situation I wouldn’t have text him the morning after asking what the fuck had happened, I wouldn’t have walked out of the job of my dreams, I wouldn’t have written about it for months on my blog, it wouldn’t still be affecting me like it is. How can it not be obvious what happened and them not be able to prosecute?! Its horrid that it’s almost like I’ve not been believed or there will be people in his life who think he didn’t do anything wrong. Thats what hurts. I want to shake people, make them see the truth and justice to be brought. 

I know all this doubt and mulling is pointless and doing a lot of damage. But I can’t help it. It’s like someone is constantly pressing rewind and fast forward through the last 7 months, frantically trying to see something different, something I could have changed for justice to happen.  It’s draining, consuming and ultimately driving me insane.

I know it’ll take time. And I know things will change and will get better. But this has all gone on long enough, I’m struggling to see light at the end of the clichéd tunnel. My patience and positivity are wearing thin. I’m exhausted, mentally and physically. Most of all, I just want to be able to move on with my life

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