“The wall” is a term commonly used by marathon runners relating to a seemingly impossible point in their race which they have to mentally break through in order to finish without giving in. While I’m certainly not planning on doing any marathons any time soon (just a jog around the block has me on all fours gasping for breath -no joke) I am experiencing a similar mental struggle
Since my last post full of positivity after returning from a lovely change of scenery in my hometown, I was having a really good up-beat week. I’d not cried. I’d not had any bad or dark thoughts. I was coping a lot better on my own. I was giving myself little tasks and goals each day and succeeding which have a massive boost to my motivation and self esteem. I even had a trial shift lined up for a fantastic and diverse hospitality company in Cheshire. Things really seemed like they were on the up and taking a positive turn.
Then on Thursday night, the night before my trial, I had the worst nights sleep in a long time. I say sleep, but I think I actually managed about 20 minutes. I went to bed early, took a couple of herbal sleeping tablets, a nice hot shower, a herbal tea, read my book and tried to doze off to a happy film. It didn’t matter how tired I felt or how many little tricks I tried I couldn’t doze off and my anxiety was getting worse with every minute I was thinking about not being asleep and the hours counting down before my alarm was due to go off. Anxiety and nerves before starting a new job are normal especially as I’ve been out of work for so long now. I kept telling myself this but then I started to get anxiety about anxiety. Panicking that sleep deprivation would instigate a panic attack at the new job and id let myself down. I was convinced if I didn’t fall asleep soon there would be no point going because I wouldn’t be giving myself the best opportunity and I wouldn’t be showing myself off in the best light – giving up before it’s even begun
In the morning I wasn’t feeling great but I knew if I didn’t go id feel even worse. Guilty and like I’d let myself down.
When I woke, I had the worse bellyache so made an emergency doctors appointment and was seen straight away. They told me id had a miscarriage. Well that was a surprise – I didn’t even know I was pregnant! Given everything else that’s happened recently, my sex drive has been rock bottom so there weren’t many occasions to date it back to
Inevitably I had to cancel the trial after all and some other festival work i had lined up over the weekend. Instead of all of the exciting progress I had planned out in my head I’ve been back on the sofa in solitude, hugging a hot water bottle
I’m finding after a little flutter of hope and glimmer of progression and light at the end of the depression tunnel, that any set backs or low points now are even harder to stomach than ever before
“My wall” feels 100000000 foot tall and like im constantly banging my head against it. I know my big final hurdle on the road to recovery is being employed again. Being back with people, getting out of the house, not talking to my cats(as much), becoming social again, taking away the stress of money and giving me something to aim for and get up for. Yet whenever I have a chance of making this progress it’s whipped out from beneath me last minute. I feel trapped in my own demons
Today was the first day since coming off my medication a month ago that I’ve had suicidal thoughts. Taking the cowards way out and giving up. I’ve been feeling like I’ve been dealt enough bad luck the past few months and I’m not sure if I can handle any more
After a lot of tears shed on my poor boyfriend, I’m trying to remain positive. The trial I should have had have been great and are willing to have me back when I’m ready. And me and Tom are looking at moving out to the suburbs for a change of scenery, a breath of fresh air and for something to look forwards to. I’m trying to make baby steps and little plans of other things I can focus on but building my confidence up AGAIN is even harder than the first time
Right now I’m baking a giant Jaffa cake flavoured cake to cheer me up and I’m going to make a plan and a thought cloud (can’t say brain storm anymore) about how I can move on from here-how I can break down “the wall”. Fingers crossed I won’t come out with too many cuts and bruises
Keep smiling and stay safe